Last night, for the first time ever, I dreamt that I died.
I was driving on a highway filled with accidents and accidents waiting to happen. Even though I knew I was driving, there was also a part of me watching overhead, terrified of every single inch I drove. Then it happened.
I hit a car once.
Collided into a wrecked car on the shoulder next.
Smashed by a speeding car spinning into the shoulder.
I remember vividly, the part of me that wasn’t driving, just watching, screaming and covering his ears. My whole life really did flash before my eyes then. I didn’t feel the part of me driving anymore–I was just the one watching and I was floating up. Maybe the whole time it was my soul preparing for the worst in advance, jumping out to watch from above.
Watching myself die like that, I couldn’t help but mourn. But I wasn’t mourning myself, I was mourning for everything I was leaving behind.
The flash I saw was all the happiness, contentment, all the faces I know and love.
One of them that I knew and loved the most– when I realized I was leaving her behind, it broke me the most.
I couldn’t let go and come to terms with the fact that I was dead.
I was too young, I’ve made plenty of memories, but I never got the chance to make countless more. As I was floating up, I couldn’t stop thinking.
I wouldn’t know what it’s like going to college.
What it’s like settling into a small house.
What it’s like getting married.
What it’s like to have a family.
What it’s like to be in love with the ones I hold close like there’s no tomorrow.
But I had no tomorrow. I had no dreams tonight. I wanted to live so much more but my life was cut off so suddenly.
My soul was floating up and up; my heart wanted to beat back down.
Then I woke up.
I can’t even describe how happy I was knowing that I was still breathing. I could still have everything I loved. I loved that I was awake this morning.
It was more a dream than it was a nightmare–it did me more good than harm when I awoke.
Last night’s dream had plenty of nuggets of life for me to feed on.
I need to love even more every second I live. I need to love even more everyone I love now.
Yeah, we all know life is short.
But I think life’s short and the road is so long.
We move so fast through it, there’s so many stops we miss, we just crash and burn.
Life’s more than the rush it’s become now–more than everything material we have.
This morning–I’m genuinely glad I’m not mourning.